Fans of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter and other tips from a beleaguered father (not that any of them work) know that I divide our species into two sub groups: people, and teenagers.

But as I traveled the country on book tour, meeting with our nation's leaders or at least its taxi drivers, I came to realize that for a lot of people, there is a far greater problem than teens, a much more disturbing issue.

Men.

Men are everywhere, unless there is housework to be done and then, miraculously, they vanish. Men are in homes and factories and sports bars; they are an undeniable fact of life, like the common cold—except with a cold, the more you stay in bed, the faster it will go away, whereas with men it is sort of the opposite. Many women wind up with a man the way you wind up with a puppy: he looks so cute, you bring him home without a thought as to how difficult it will be to housebreak him.

Once a woman has tried to change a man, she realizes maybe she should have left him at the pet store. Men are really difficult to change—you really have to think of it as more of a remodeling job, with ripping out the old behaviors a necessary first step before you install the new.

Now, I am an expert in men. I've lived among them, I can speak their language, some of my best friends are men. I am the perfect person to reveal to the world how, if you have brought home a man and are trying to teach him to put the toilet seat down after using it, you can change him. Step by step, I will take you through.

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