Copyright 2002 W. Bruce Cameron -- Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

As the father of three teenagers, I can tell you that a teenage girl does not feel her day is complete if she hasn't had at least one argument with her parents. It's futile to try to pacify them; the only way to avoid a fight is to move out of your own house.

Parent: Hi. I gassed up the car so you can spend the night out cruising with strange boys. Here's some money for the after-hours club.

Daughter: I hate you! (Slams door to room).

Like a hawk spotting its prey from far overhead, a teenage girl can see an argument where the innocent parent didn't even know one existed. They'll even quarrel over vocabulary, a subject the unwary parent might think relatively safe from dispute. Witness the following dialogue with my younger daughter, whom I was driving to the health club so she could hang out poolside in a bathing suit I had forbidden her to wear on the grounds that it provided too much "skimp" and not enough "suit."

Daughter: So how long will you be working out?

Me: Oh, a couple of hours I guess.

Daughter: What? A couple of hours? You said we would leave at noon! This is going to ruin my whole day!

Me: Right, that gives me two hours. You'll still have plenty of time to lie on the floor and talk on the telephone instead of doing your chores. (This is a parenting technique known as "subtle sarcasm." It doesn't work.)

Daughter: Two hours? You said a "couple."

Me: A couple. As in, two.

Daughter: No one says "a couple" when they only mean "two." They say "couple" when they mean like at least three.

Me: What? Are you crazy? Couple means a "pair."

Daughter: Whatever.

Me: Do you think when people say "they make a lovely couple," they mean there are like at least three of them?

Daughter: I'm getting carsick.

Me: When you say "coupled with," or "to couple," it means bringing two things together.

Daughter: Do we have to talk about this? I feel like I'm being tortured.

Me: Do you agree that I'm right and you're wrong and that this is how all of our conversations go?

Daughter: None of my friends would ever say "a couple" when they mean just two.

Me: Well, then, it's time for you to find some new friends, wouldn't you agree?

Daughter: I'm going to throw up.

Me: Open the glove box, there's a paperback dictionary in there. Look up the word "couple" and you'll see I'm right.

Daughter: (Horrified) You have a dictionary in your car? Could you possibly be more of a dork?

Me: Are you going to look it up?

Daughter: This is the worst day of my life.

Me: Just look it up.

Daughter: (Stares out window as if riding in the car by herself.)

Me: So you admit I'm right?

Daughter: (No response.)

Me: So I'm right then.

Daughter: (Heavy sigh.)

Me: Right. I'm right.

In a re-telling of this story to her mother, my daughter entirely mischaracterized the exchange, insisting that it was I who kept arguing, instead of her. However, as the impartial reader will note, nothing could be farther from the truth. Had she acknowledged I was correct, there would have been no dispute!

In a remarkable lapse of judgment, my wife sided with her child, insisting that I have an unfortunate tendency to keep harping on a subject long after everyone else wants to drop it. My other daughter chimed in, all three females sticking to this ludicrous claim until one by one they left the room, stating they didn't want to talk about it any more even though I still had plenty to say on the matter.

That's what I get for trying to argue with a couple of women.

Write to Bruce at bruce@wbrucecameron.com